A few weeks before quitting my job, I went to my boss and said “I’m burnt out, I need help.” Unfortunately there was no help. Everyone else was just as busy as I was, and as consultants we had no control over the deadlines assigned to our projects.

At the time we were in the tail end of the pandemic, my kids were 2 and 3 years old, and I had been dealing with undiagnosed chronic pain for over a year. Oh, and I was working about an extra day of overtime every week – which I had to do after the kids went to bed because it’s the only time I had available.

Throughout my career, whenever I felt burned out I blamed myself. Everyone else seemed to be doing okay with all the work and stress and deadlines. My coworkers all complained about the amount of work too, but if it was really to the point of burnout for them then nobody was saying anything.

It wasn’t until after I left the consulting field that I realized how prevalent these feelings were – but nobody wants to admit it, so we all just keep pretending we’re doing okay. When I started posting about how I stressed I had been, so many people messaged me privately to say that they felt the same but thought they were the only ones. This included new grads all the way to senior leaders. It’s across the board.

Burnout Is Not Your Fault…

Employers are known for hiring insecure overachievers – perfectionists who are very likely to put in the additional hours and turn out great work, but who won’t push back or ask for what they deserve in exchange for such value. Insecure overachievers also tend to blame themselves when they burn out rather than blaming their work conditions – sound familiar? That’s what I did.

…But You Probably Think It is

For many years, I told myself that I was expecting too much, that it wasn’t that much overtime, that it was worth making partner eventually, that it would get better once my kids were older, that it was the same everywhere so changing jobs wouldn’t be worth it. But deep down I knew that this was not what I wanted my life to look like – when I envisioned my future, I wanted time to walk my daughters to school, and eat together as a family, and spend time on the hobbies I enjoyed. I wasn’t proud of the work I was doing, because I never had time to do anything well.

Many, MANY women in tech careers are insecure overachievers. How could we not be? We have to be twice as good to get half as much recognition, and we are constantly made to feel like we don’t belong and can’t possibly be as competent as the men. We are promoted less frequently (and based only on what we have demonstrated, rather than on our potential – as many men are), judged more harshly, and paid less than men for the roles we do get. Women in tech have to be overachievers because otherwise we don’t survive. And we deal with imposter syndrome at a higher rate than men do too.

7 Ways Women In Tech Can Manage Burnout

Let me say this again: IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT. Workplaces today are designed to extract as much as they can out of you, which is why so many of us work on understaffed teams and don’t get paid for overtime. It’s a lot cheaper to get someone to do 2 jobs than it is to hire an extra person.

But you deserve better. So here are 7 things women in tech can do to manage burnout:

1. Get comfortable saying no. Women are known for agreeing to take on way more than they can handle, in part because they don’t know how to say no. Practice sitting on your hands when someone goes around asking for volunteers, and if you are asked to take on something else when you’re at capacity already, then ask what should get dropped.
2. Find a support group. Preferably one outside your company, so you feel more comfortable being candid about your struggles without worrying about the impact it might have on your career. Got some female friends in similar roles? Set up a dinner date or Zoom chat once a month and swap stories and advice.
3. Stop trying to do everything perfectly. You do not have to be the perfect mom, wife, friend, employee, daughter and manager at the same time. I know society judges women more harshly for not being perfect, but try taking a step back and allowing yourself the grace to fail occasionally.
4. Ask for help when you need it. I’ve written before about the need to ask for help when you need it, and it applies equally here. The kind of help you need might be different depending on your situation, but asking a manager, a friend or partner, or even your doctor for help can make the difference between being stressed and ending up in crisis.
5. Always be on the lookout for something better. I am a huge proponent of applying to jobs regularly, even if you are perfectly happy where you are. If you’re feeling overwhelmed and burnt out then this is even more of a priority. Coast for a bit at work if you need to give yourself the breathing room to apply elsewhere, and give yourself a path out.
6. Take time to rest. Lower your expectations, stop training for that half marathon, order take-out for a while if you don’t have the energy to cook, and get lots of rest. You are not lazy or a bad person for sitting on the couch when you’re burnt out. I didn’t realize how much rest I really needed until I let myself actually rest, and it was a good six months of not doing much of anything outside of work and the essentials. If you can afford it, take a few weeks off between jobs, or take vacation time and just relax at home.
7. Remind yourself that this is not normal, and you deserve better. When you’re in a toxic workplace, it’s easy to start feeling like that’s the norm. Don’t let that happen – write down what your ideal life looks like, and some affirmations like “I deserve to feel good” in places you’ll see them. You do deserve to feel good!

It’s not easy dealing with burnout, and getting out of it can be incredibly difficult. But let me tell you, as someone who hasn’t worked overtime in 6 months and now has an awesome manager who proactively checks in and makes sure I’m doing okay, it is worth making the effort to leave.

Hugs!
Kim